Ever the gentleman he offered to take me straight home, but I just laughed and said no worries and just untucked my shirt and we went on in and watched the movie. Although I'm certain the movie was Best Little Whore House In Texas, starring Dolly Parton, I cannot remember the name of the young man who escorted me....stands to reason why we are not married to each other today. Either way, it turns out that the blown out zipper from that night would not be my last wardrobe malfunction.
Throughout the years I have had my fair share of busted zippers, snapping sandle straps, droopy bra straps and button poppings, but none compare to my experience the other day.
It seems lately my most challenging garment of late is the brassier. It also turns out that as I have gotten older, one of my shoulders now seems to droop to the point that my bra strap wants to slip down on that one arm. I seem to recall carrying a diaper bag on that shoulder for a period of time several years back, so buyer beware! Use a backpack and ensure the future of a straight posture instead.
So, on the day of my most recent "event", I am going about my duties at the office, minding my own business, when all of a sudden as I'm bending down to pick something up from the floor my bra snaps open at the front. Most would say; "What's the big deal? Fasten it back." Well, that's all well and good except my bra didn't fasten in the front!
I was wearing a racy red number that apparently was held together with a two inch long strip of satin that had somehow been straining at the seams, yeah right, Dolly P. I am not! Either way, one side had come unsewn and pulled loose causing the whole shooting match to fly apart.
I grabbed a safety pin from a friend and headed to the bathroom. Why do they call them safety pins? They are not safe at all. How many times have you ever poked yourself trying to fasten something with a safety pin? Almost always huh! Well, it turns out that they have a stress limit to them and will bend and become totally useless after that.
I must say that it at least held until I got back to my desk. This seems to be the common denominator doesn't it? My desk area. Pretty sure my bra was fine, there was probably a ghost of some sort toying with me over at my desk.
I then grab a stapler and borrow a friends office so that I can make sure once and for all that the offending garment remains fastened. I did use my head and made sure to staple it with the pointy sides sticking out so as to not be scratched up. Quite proud of myself, I button up, turn around and open the door, just in time for the other side to unravel. I swear I heard it go POINGGGGG, no lie.
At this point I was beginning to lose my patience and my religion. That's when I decided it was either tie the scrap of fabric into a double knot or start hunting up a zip tie. It was just easier to suck it up (or in, as the case may be) and tie a knot...well in theory anyway.
Have you ever tried to tie a double knot with a slippery piece of satin fabric two inches long and about a quarter of an inch wide....while looking down and holding your elbows in such a fashion as to be squeezing the two side of something, say... a bra, together? Well, it ain't as easy as it sounds but I am here to say not impossible! I have now added small zip ties to the top of the pile of crap in the bottom drawer of my desk...
