Boogie Fever

Today I received this text from my oldest daughter Alex:

She is so used to my responses by now I'm shocked she even tells me anything anymore.

Alex, my oldest, the one who oozes maternal instinct.  The girl that everyone wanted to babysit their kids.  The babysitter of all babysitters who actually played with the kids she babysat.  They all loved her, and kids everywhere still love her.  It's amazing this child is actually the fruit of my loins.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children.  My children and the kids of a few close friends.  Your run o' the mill running amok in the grocery isle child, not so much.  I'm sure I will love my grandchildren...surely.

I don't think Alex truly understands the lifestyle change that occurs when a baby is brought home from the hospital.  Think about it, if you knew then what you know now....I'm just saying.  Hey Alex, peruse this list and reconsider now.....before it's too late ;-)

Things to consider before throwing caution to the wind and contraceptives out the window:

1.  Sleep:  Is it your friend or are you an insomniac?  If it's the latter, a baby will be a sure fire cure.  I can remember my mom always being strict about bedtime.  She would have been doing me a better favor teaching me how to stay awake for hours on end rather than trying to get me to get 8 hours sleep 7 days a week.

2.  Sex:  Do you have a voracious libido?  Hell, do you sex on the regular at all?  Let's call "regular" for childless couples 5-7 times a week.

If so, think twice, because as the Mom in the equation, not only will you be tired from every two hour feedings that first few weeks your hormones are shooting you the bird every chance they get, and you don't want to do anything but pass out anywhere you can and get a shower in peace.

Most of dad's favorite girl parts on mom will be sore, swollen or both.  She doesn't even want him to look at them hard.  Sad, but true.  The key is to get back to "getting busy" as soon as possible cause that kid is here to stay. 

Once your child gets older and is sleeping all night, they will have somehow gotten it into their little cherub heads that they need to sleep with mommy and daddy.....they're scared or sick with a tummy ache or insert plausible excuse here. 

It's a trick, don't fall for it.  They just want to take up every square inch of your king size bed while somehow simultaneously lying directly on top of you with one of their feet shoved in your mouth and the other in your arm pit.

When they are finally sleeping in their own beds the "snick" of your bedroom door closing and locking is like a silent alarm alerting them to come and pound on your door because God forbid anyone derive any pleasure that does not include them.

On those rare occasions when you forget to lock the door be prepared to stop (whatever it is you will tell your child you are doing) abruptly and act normally when you see your child leaning on the edge of your bed, chin propped in hands, and closely observing your performance.

3.  Snacks/Candy:  Do you enjoy the occasional (nightly)  snack cake, bowl of ice cream or sleeve of cookies?  Well, if you're wanting a kid you better learn to start liking the goodies nobody likes so you'll always have something to munch on.

You think I'm kidding?  The first time you slink past you child with a funny hitch to your gait because you are transporting contraband stuffed down the front of your pants to eat in the confines of your locked bathroom we'll see who's kidding.  Best learn to like prunes or fig newtons now so it won't be such a shock to your system.

I thought I had mine outsmarted when I started eating dark chocolate and then M & M came out with dark chocolate candies and the kids took a hankering to them.  There's just no winning.

4.  Your Stuff:  Buyer Beware!  The nanosecond a child crosses the threshold, "We just can't have nice things anymore" will become your mantra.  I'm certain this is how second hand stores came about.  Who wants to fork over their hard earned cash on furnishings that are just gonna end up with a red Kool Aid vomit stain or magic marker spots on it anyway?  Just cut out the middle man and purchase your items with a little wear and tear as part of the deal.  It will be less painful that way.

As your child grows older, and more (or less) responsible, they start to "borrow" your things.  Just go ahead and kiss your stuff goodbye.  It makes for less frustration in the long run.  You will discover that your children will have quite the champagne taste for things. Girls will sniff out your most expensive clothes, makeup and earrings and boys will use (lose) only the finest tools Craftsman has to offer.

So, what I am trying to say is this:  All the above is true.  Every syllable.  If you've managed for any length of time to dodge the baby bullet, bob and weave by golly, bob and weave!

If you just can't stand it, and nothing will do until you have a whole passel of youngin's running underfoot, then go for the gusto.  I had two myself and depending on the day of the week they are either the best thing that ever happened to me or the dumbest thing I ever let get out of hand.

Do what you want, everybody is gonna judge you anyway, so please add kids to the equation, and Sister Bertha Better Than You can tell you how you need to raise them.

Be sure to ignore her though.  They're your kids, you know whats best for them, unless you decide what's best is taking them to a bar or strip club.  If that's the case, then I would say; So you're the dumb-ass they had to make the sign for....

Alex, I know you're chomping at the bit to have babies, so here's to boogies, bad diapers and sleepless nights.  May the odds be ever in your favor......

Just Roll With It

Tonight I spent an hour trying to convince a doctor that the man that occupied my pop's body was not operating on all 6 cylinders.  He did his best to ease my anxiety by telling me that most people my fathers age after having surgery, and being on pain killers exhibit a certain amount of delusion.

I said; Is that right.  Doc, his surgery was 6 days ago, he is not on any pain meds and I'm not talking about what day is it, or is it day light or dark.  I'm talking about the fact that the man is having a one sided conversation with a pile of blankets in a chair across the room thinking that it's my mom and he's pissed because she won't answer him.

Actually Dr., I'm a little confused myself as to why my number is listed as an emergency contact yet no one called to tell me he was found in the floor of his room at 11 am this morning and it is estimated he was "only there about 30 minutes".   What constitutes an emergency?  Do you think I'm not going to notice that his arm is completely black and blue from the fall and his lip is a bit bloody from where he bit it.

Thank you for doing a CT scan right away to determine there was not an injury as a result of the fall, it's the most proactive measure I've heard taken thus far.  I say this because it's 6pm at this point, and I'm still waiting on a return call from you where I left a message at 9am today asking that you get in touch with me regarding his upcoming procedure, among other things.

After finishing my conversation with the doctor that left me completely underwhelmed with his knowledge of my dad's chart, I go sit with Pop.  That is when we have the funniest conversation.  His "confusion" is not like I said, confusing, it's more like he is in a different time.

I never thought I'd ever say that I was thankful that Ray's grandmother had Alzheimer's, I wouldn't wish that on anybody.  I am thankful because The Big A taught me the best way to communicate with someone who wasn't always quite sure of things.  Things that we all take for granted knowing such as who our children are, and their names.  Did you ever have something on the "tip of your brain" but just couldn't seem to pull it out of the fog long enough to verbally express it?  Be thankful that only happens on the rare occasion.  The lessons you can take away from a situation such as that for one is don't try to convince them of the truth, meet them where their truth is.

As I sat to chat with my dad it took about 10 minutes for me to help him de-tangle the details of his whereabouts.  He was not at home, so that is why the door was on the wrong side of the room.  Mom was not there, so that is why that pile of blankets were being so rude and not replying to him when he spoke.  He was not wearing his glasses so let's give that a 2% toward the confusion level.  The other 98%, I got nuthin.   But here's the funny thing, he knew he was at the hospital, but he kept referring to different things in the room like he was at home, then he'd say, "No, that's not right, I'm at the hospital."

He really threw me for a second when he said; "It's 7pm, I need to get to sleep, I've got to get up and go to work tomorrow."

I remembered Betty for  a second, smiled and said; "No you don't Pop, you're on vacation this week."  He smiled and said, "I am? Good, that worked out didn't it."  Yes, it sure did Pop.

He then asked me if I still "did property" (sold real estate).  He didn't ask this because he was in the market to buy, it was because he is in the market to sell....his double funeral plot.

Dad: Your mom says we're gonna be cremated so we don't really need 'em.
Me:   Is that what you wanna do pop?
Dad:  I don't give a damn, I'll be dead anyway.

Me:   I don't think you're gonna have much luck selling it.
Dad: You don't think so?  It's a double, people like that sorta thing.
Me:  Yeah they do.  Maybe we could rent it
Dad:  (grinning)  We could try, but once they move in they're gonna wanna stay.

It felt good to just roll with the conversation.  My mom says he's confused.  The doctor says he's delusional.  I agree he's a little bit of both, but he fell back to a time when he was about my age.  He was mostly healthy, working full-time and still raising a little hell.

He had his wits about him enough to know you can't rent out a grave, while at the same time he struggled with why the load of laundry in the chair was ignoring him.

The room he was in wasn't his bedroom at home, and he really shouldn't be staying up so late because he had to work in the morning.  We just rolled with it.  There was no need to tell the man he'd been retired for the last 10 years.  

Tomorrow will prove to be interesting.  I hope if this confusion/delusion plans on sticking around awhile, he lands somewhere in time where he was happiest.  What more could you ask for?  As for me, I just plan to roll with it.....