Today I received this text from my oldest daughter Alex:
Alex, my oldest, the one who oozes maternal instinct. The girl that everyone wanted to babysit their kids. The babysitter of all babysitters who actually played with the kids she babysat. They all loved her, and kids everywhere still love her. It's amazing this child is actually the fruit of my loins.
Don't get me wrong, I love my children. My children and the kids of a few close friends. Your run o' the mill running amok in the grocery isle child, not so much. I'm sure I will love my grandchildren...surely.
I don't think Alex truly understands the lifestyle change that occurs when a baby is brought home from the hospital. Think about it, if you knew then what you know now....I'm just saying. Hey Alex, peruse this list and reconsider now.....before it's too late ;-)
Things to consider before throwing caution to the wind and contraceptives out the window:
1. Sleep: Is it your friend or are you an insomniac? If it's the latter, a baby will be a sure fire cure. I can remember my mom always being strict about bedtime. She would have been doing me a better favor teaching me how to stay awake for hours on end rather than trying to get me to get 8 hours sleep 7 days a week.
2. Sex: Do you have a voracious libido? Hell, do you sex on the regular at all? Let's call "regular" for childless couples 5-7 times a week.
If so, think twice, because as the Mom in the equation, not only will you be tired from every two hour feedings that first few weeks your hormones are shooting you the bird every chance they get, and you don't want to do anything but pass out anywhere you can and get a shower in peace.
Most of dad's favorite girl parts on mom will be sore, swollen or both. She doesn't even want him to look at them hard. Sad, but true. The key is to get back to "getting busy" as soon as possible cause that kid is here to stay.
Once your child gets older and is sleeping all night, they will have somehow gotten it into their little cherub heads that they need to sleep with mommy and daddy.....they're scared or sick with a tummy ache or insert plausible excuse here.
It's a trick, don't fall for it. They just want to take up every square inch of your king size bed while somehow simultaneously lying directly on top of you with one of their feet shoved in your mouth and the other in your arm pit.
When they are finally sleeping in their own beds the "snick" of your bedroom door closing and locking is like a silent alarm alerting them to come and pound on your door because God forbid anyone derive any pleasure that does not include them.
On those rare occasions when you forget to lock the door be prepared to stop (whatever it is you will tell your child you are doing) abruptly and act normally when you see your child leaning on the edge of your bed, chin propped in hands, and closely observing your performance.
3. Snacks/Candy: Do you enjoy the occasional (nightly) snack cake, bowl of ice cream or sleeve of cookies? Well, if you're wanting a kid you better learn to start liking the goodies nobody likes so you'll always have something to munch on.
You think I'm kidding? The first time you slink past you child with a funny hitch to your gait because you are transporting contraband stuffed down the front of your pants to eat in the confines of your locked bathroom we'll see who's kidding. Best learn to like prunes or fig newtons now so it won't be such a shock to your system.
I thought I had mine outsmarted when I started eating dark chocolate and then M & M came out with dark chocolate candies and the kids took a hankering to them. There's just no winning.
4. Your Stuff: Buyer Beware! The nanosecond a child crosses the threshold, "We just can't have nice things anymore" will become your mantra. I'm certain this is how second hand stores came about. Who wants to fork over their hard earned cash on furnishings that are just gonna end up with a red Kool Aid vomit stain or magic marker spots on it anyway? Just cut out the middle man and purchase your items with a little wear and tear as part of the deal. It will be less painful that way.
As your child grows older, and more (or less) responsible, they start to "borrow" your things. Just go ahead and kiss your stuff goodbye. It makes for less frustration in the long run. You will discover that your children will have quite the champagne taste for things. Girls will sniff out your most expensive clothes, makeup and earrings and boys will use (lose) only the finest tools Craftsman has to offer.
So, what I am trying to say is this: All the above is true. Every syllable. If you've managed for any length of time to dodge the baby bullet, bob and weave by golly, bob and weave!
If you just can't stand it, and nothing will do until you have a whole passel of youngin's running underfoot, then go for the gusto. I had two myself and depending on the day of the week they are either the best thing that ever happened to me or the dumbest thing I ever let get out of hand.
Do what you want, everybody is gonna judge you anyway, so please add kids to the equation, and Sister Bertha Better Than You can tell you how you need to raise them.
Be sure to ignore her though. They're your kids, you know whats best for them, unless you decide what's best is taking them to a bar or strip club. If that's the case, then I would say; So you're the dumb-ass they had to make the sign for....
Alex, I know you're chomping at the bit to have babies, so here's to boogies, bad diapers and sleepless nights. May the odds be ever in your favor......
