Notably Newsworthy

Once again folks the news around the world is a testament to just how crazy things are getting.  You add to this the chaos that the weather is piling on and we have ourselves a situation of epic proportions.  I  do admit though that I thoroughly enjoy the craziness and would love an opportunity to work at a radio station where it is my job to to announce the most Notably Newsworthy, much like these gems:

"Scantily dressed visitors must cover up to see Rikers inmates" 
(Reported June 22, 2011 by Jonathan Allen ~ NEW YORK)

It has come to my attention that "Skimpily dressed" visitors to New York City's famous penal institute are being handed "baggy, over sized easy-to-track T-shirts in a shade of bright green".  Let this be a reminder to everyone that a last glance in the mirror is a must, don't just bolt out the door so excited to be seeing your baby daddy that you wind up wearing something so unflattering.

It turns out that Rikers wants to "maintain a family friendly environment" and they were also noted as saying "We are trying to keep this a G-rated experience."  I'm really not sure what to comment to that.  What exactly were these people prancing around in?  Some of you might even be asking; Why does it matter?

Well, it turns out that when a large number of people are cooped up for extended periods of time with few privileges they get a little testy, or as a spokeswoman for the prison stated; "If a visitor is dressed provocatively it could potentially spark a chain of events among inmates."  I have to believe that lack of self control is what landed the majority, if not all of them, in this somewhat famous institution to begin with, so a second glance in the mirror before heading out for visiting day is a must people.  They don't like it when you tease the animals at the zoo and some of the same rules apply at the prison.

Here are some of the other notable no-no's mentioned:

Wearing too many clothes: It turns out that there are some out there that might try to smuggle in illegal contraband by hiding it beneath their attire. (say it isn't so!)

Spandex leggings, Swimsuits, transparent clothing: What? Are they planning a trip to Wal Mart when they leave the prison?
 
Bottom line is this, if your mother wouldn't wear it to a PTA meeting back in 1953, don't wear it to visiting day at the prison.

What else is happening in the headlines?  How about these:

"Cows churn out human breast milk"
(Reported June 16, 2011 by Haze Fan and Maxim Duncan ~ BEIJING)
The Chinese are now playing God and have produced a herd of "modified" cows that make milk that can be substituted for human breast milk.  Exactly how have they "modified" these cows anyway?  If they have actual female breasts that's just gonna cause way more problems than it's gonna solve in my opinion.  On a brighter note, farm boys across the world will never again gripe about having to get up at 3 am to go milk the herd.

"Poop Burger: Get It While It's Hot"
(Reported June 20, 2011 in Okayama, Japan)
Now, Japan is apparently shifting their interest from technology and their scientists say they have come up with a synthetic meat derived from human excrement.  That's right folks, the "poop burger".  Turns out they believe that by "extracting the protein from raw sewage to create the meat and adding food coloring to make it appear red" they just might take a bite out of world hunger.  "Early taste tests say the meat tastes like beef."

I say, if you're gonna eat this meat you might as well go ahead and drink the water in Mexico.  The thought of eating this new fangled Japanese meat product actually takes away my appetite for anything.  Perhaps it should be offered to the "2.5 Million British Men  Too Fat To See Their Penis"!

Yes folks, new research has revealed that "one in ten British men are unable to see their penis because of their protruding bellies."  2000 of these 2.5 Million gents were studied, and the main reason why they had managed to pack on the pounds was simply from the fact that they ate too much and drank too much alcohol.  So that's what causes it! 

What were these guys willing to do so they could once again see their willy's?  Well, 34% of the men said they would resort to creative manscaping in order to make the length of their member appear larger.  19% opted to turn out the lights and 13% said they would rather use a penis pump than pump iron to lose the fat.  Now, the other 34% apparently had no thoughts as to what they would do as it wasn't mentioned.

Seriously?  I ain't gonna have nothing to do with any man who's boobs are larger than mine, it's already bad enough that I now have those Chinese cows to compete with....

© 2011  Annette Bagley-Martin