Boggin' On My Noggin'

I have spent this entire weekend with one of the worst weather related headaches/migraines I have had in awhile.

The temperature has hovered around the high twenties and the wind has been really whipping around. Even though my house has been a toasty 70 - 72 degrees it feels as if there is a block of ice sitting on the right side of my head. I finally resorted to pulling on my black toboggan and was relieved when my head finally felt warm. Blessed relief at last! I get tired of taking meds for these headaches so anything that I can do to feel better and not be all doped up is a nice change!

The funny thing is, Abby never thought twice about me wearing my "beanie", as they call it, inside. Alex on the other hand felt the need to point out the fact that I was indoors and had it on. As if I had transitioned from outside and just plain forgot to take it off. OKkkkkkkkk. I told her it was the only thing that was helping to relieve the icy cold sensation that was making my head hurt. She just blinked at me and moved on.

Ray was gone to a Men's Conference most of the day and came rolling in around 3:30. He took one look at me and asked; "What's up Mushmouth?" I had to admit that was pretty funny and we then had to explain to the kids who Mushmouth was. That's kinda sad dontcha think? I really enjoyed Fat Albert when I was a kid, I wonder why its not on anymore? Is it politically incorrect? I'm not sure.

I have never really understood the whole politically correct thing to begin with. That became apparent the year Alex was 4 (she is 18 now mind you) and I dressed her as a bag lady for Halloween. I was approached by another parent that said my daughter was politically incorrect for wearing that particular costume. I said, "No, she is not politically incorrect, she is a bag lady." I then turned to my friends and whispered; "What does politically incorrect mean?" They just laughed and said that my picture was next to the definition in the dictionary and not to worry about it. I later found out that one definition is this: "a term denoting language, ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social offense in gender, racial, cultural, sexual orientation, handicap, and age-related contexts."

Ok, whatever. I decided that I would continue to treat others as I would like to be treated and if that meant someone was gonna dress up like me for Halloween, well then, more power to them.

I will admit, I have a totally inappropriate sense of humor and find that it is best if you are thin skinned, all into what is political, correct or incorrect, public school vs private school, paper or plastic, chunky peanut butter or creamy, well, just about anything the least bit controversial for that matter, you might want to steer clear of me. Cause' I'm gonna make you nuts.

It's my job. Ask anybody that knows me, they will tell you.

Do You Remember?

Isn't it funny how a scent or a song can bring back memories of things you haven't thought of in a very long time.

Do you remember...

How much better homemade ice cream tastes because you helped crank it?

The satisfaction of opening a brand new box of crayons to draw with. All those colors to choose from with nothing but your imagination to limit you?

Wax Lips that you could chew like chewing gum?

The thrill of hearing the ice cream truck?

Catching fireflies so you could let them loose in your room later that night and falling asleep to the hypnotic winking of their lights going off and on?

Making a wish over dandelion fluff and blowing as hard as you can so all the seeds would blow away to make your wish come true?

How getting picked last for anything stinks?

The sound of your grandparents voices?

Watching the Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday nights?

What Flubber is?

Rolling change for gas money?

How you wished Flubber was real when you banged up your car?

The name of the first person you ever fell in love with?

The name of the person sitting next to you at your high school graduation?

What do you remember?

It's A Trap!!!

Have you ever seen the movie The Santa Claus? (Ya'll must think all I do is watch movies) In this movie Santa falls off of the roof of a house and is killed after the homeowner, Scott Calvin, who is awakened by the "clatter" runs outside and shouts at him thus startling him and causing him to plunge to his death on the front lawn. Santa immediately dissappears and all that is left is his suit with a letter in the pocket. The letter states; if something should happen to Santa, the reader should put on the suit and the reindeer would know what to do.

After Scott delivers the toys and ends up back at the North Pole he then finds out that he is to be the new Santa Claus from now on. It appears that there is a card that is decorated with a lovely holly border that when viewed under a magnifying glass is actually the Santa Clause which says that, "upon the death of the previous occupant, whoever wears the suit assumes the identity of Santa Claus and all the responsibilities that go with it."

Have you ever felt that you have been tricked with the Santa Clause at one time or another? I sure have! I can tell you right now it will make you a reader of the fine print!!! How many times have you ever received a call from your bank or credit card company and they want you to try out their latest and greatest service, free of course, for the first 90 days. What they don't tell you is that at the very stroke of midnight that rings in the 91st day you will begin to be charged 19.99 per month automatically drafted from you banking account or charged to your credit card.

Now finding where you wrote down their toll free number, if you ever actually wrote it down, is akin to locating a deadbeat dad. Good luck with that! Where is that information they swore was going in the mail to you that very day that would contain this most critical cancellation information?  Yep, that happened to me years ago.

Now, the latest and greatest scheme to charge us unwittingly is online. I was looking up famous quotes and got to a sight that wanted my cell phone number before it would let me view the content. They wanted to text me my 4 digit code for "free registration". What they don't tell you is that at the low, low price of $9.99 per month you will begin to receive the quote of the day and this will be conveniently billed to your cellphone bill. What the heck?!

Stuff like this makes makes me crazy. I have now come up with my own little ways of deciphering the trustworthiness of people and situations and do my best not to deviate from them. I will share them with you here:

1. If it sounds to good to be true, it is, so walk away and don't look back.

2. If whatever they are trying to give away is so great, why are they trying to get rid of it? This is in regards to pets, or other personal items.

3. Never trust a man with a pinkie ring.

Not a very long list and it hasn't failed me yet. Make sure to take the time to find the Santa Clause a/k/a "The Fine Print" and read it in all situations. If you don't understand it, ask questions, if you can't get a satisfactory answer, then say; thank you, no thank you!

The world would be a better place if we could spot a trap when we came upon it don'tcha think?

I have to believe that this bed belongs in the apartment of some smooth talking womanizer, don't you?

Let's Go For A Ride........

After this seemingly endless winter, I am looking forward to summertime. I enjoy summertime for all the traditional reasons but especially because it means the kudzu will soon be in bloom.                    

Kudzu starts to bloom in the late summer, around the end of August where I live. My kids start to give me a really hard time when I see the first blooms starting to arrive because I slow down as I drive by and they know what that means; sometime in the near future they will be forced to trudge beside me and snip off the blossoms with a pair of scissors so that we can make jelly.

Alex helped me the first year. We were a site! It was hot and muggy and all sorts of critters lived in the vines and things too small to see always seemed to be creeping up the back of your neck. I found it to be thrilling and creepy all at the same time. Alex did not share my excitement.

I like to believe that even though she half heartedly complained as we snipped and pulled and snipped some more we did actually have a good time just being in each others company. She will never admit it but she smiled most of the time and she really worked hard at getting the best blossoms she could. I was very proud of her.

My good friend Trina helped me the same year as Alex; she unwittingly got into my not realizing that I was on red alert for the sign of blossoming kudzu. She was a trooper as well and I did my best to be kind and backed the bed of the truck up underneath the canopy of a bunch of trees that lined a little side street.

The trees themselves where nothing more than a suggestion of what lied beneath the wall of kudzu that disguised them. We cut and pulled and cut some more. Trina is now very careful to examine my vehicle before climbing in during the latter days of summer and if she spots a bucket or any other sort of container that I might be able to use for my annual blossom harvest she quickly exits and says she will just follow me in her own car. Whatever….

The next year I called my mother-in-law and horns waggled her into going with me. We snipped and chatted and sweated and climbed and laughed quite a bit.

A friend of mine called and a message on my phone that we were giving everyone a great show on the side of the road. My mother-in-law laughed. Said she wouldn’t be surprised if someone reported an old lady floundering around in the kudzu and that it needed to be checked out immediately. It is apparent she must suffer from Alzheimer’s or some other form of dementia to be out there crawling around in it like that.

Last summer my sister accompanied me on my quest for the best blossoms for jelly making. We found a perfect patch not far from her house. She was a trooper and made the harvesting fun. Will she go again this coming summer? Not too sure, I will have to wait and see I guess.

I have come to the conclusion that most of my family and friends are sharp enough to think twice when I suggest we go for a ride and “see what we can see”. Either that or the fact that I show up for this ride in the dead heat of summer wearing long sleeves and pants with a ball cap on to make sure the ticks, chiggers and other critters will have to put up as big a battle as I do if they want to take a bite out of me is a dead giveaway.

I guess I have to face the fact they have figured me out and know that this ride will take them off of the beaten path or perhaps even just on the side of the road, collecting blossoms under duress much like the trustees of the local prison collecting trash……that is if you listen to Alex tell the tale. I say it is not that bad!

But they do usually only help me once, wonder what’s up with that………..

Devotion

Have you seen the Adam Sandler film; The Waterboy? In this movie a young cajun man by the name of Bobby Boucher lived with his mother in the swamp lands of Louisiana. His mother was afraid of being abandoned in her old age and spent her days sheltering Bobby and making it so that he was totally depended on her. She became his moral compass and would tell him that different things in the world that you and I would do for simple enjoyment like say perhaps attend a football game, was "of the devil!"

Whatever caught his interest and took the focus off of his momma, that instantly became "of the devil!" Poor Bobby. His mother went to extremes to keep his attention focused on her. I sometimes wonder if God would like to say that to me? Annette, facebook, CSI, Poker Palace (who misses me by the way) or whatever things that can take up hours of time before I realize it, "is of the devil!" I'm sure He would say it in Bobby's mommas voice for effect.

As a christian, one of the things I can certainly testify to about my life is the minute I choose to get involved in something that involves church or study the bible or even a simple devotion, Satan likes to try and distract me. One time a girlfriend of mine and I decided we would do a devotional study together on the Proverbs 31 woman. We swore would hold each other accountable to this commitment. HA! We were about two weeks into it and I sent her this email:

Debbie,

de·vo·tion    noun.

Ardent, often selfless affection and dedication, as to a person or principle. See Synonyms at love.
Religious ardor or zeal; piety.
An act of religious observance or prayer, especially when private. Often used in the plural.
devotions Prayers or religious texts: a book of devotions.
The act of devoting or the state of being devoted.

Now that we can see what devotion means it is quite apparent that I am not devoted to anything! Ardent, selfless, dedicated???!!!!!!  Nooooooo! The things I find my self committed, horns waggled, roped into, coerced or asked to do; i.e. the things that truly take up all of my time, most definitely do not come close to the definition of devotion.

Do I have that selfless affection toward my family? Let’s narrow it down, my immediate family? Perhaps…..when they are not making me crazy. Now I admit they do not all make me crazy at the same time, but I would swear they all draw straws every morning when I am not watching just to see whose turn it is. Who knows, perhaps this is their little way of keeping me on my toes.

I do love my family, that is why I want to study the Proverbs 31 woman, understand her a little more, and find the P-31 in me. Me thinks I have set the bar too high! I have fast forwarded too far into the book….or shall I say the Book since it is really the Holy Bible I speak of. Perhaps I should flip back a few pages and really discover why I am more the Genesis 3:1 woman!

Eve, so easily distracted. All it took was the serpent and his talk of things that would make her life, bigger, better, perhaps easier. All she had to do was pursue something other than the will of God for her life. Only one little rule to follow and only one little rule did she break! Well, at least my children come by it honest!

We all have those serpent’s running around in our lives today as well. Look better, live longer, have more, the list goes on. The modern conveniences that are supposed to afford us more time actually eat our time up because we find so many more things to fill that time with. We cannot schedule our time to include the basics because the extracurricular is out there just screaming for our attention!

Can you imagine the Proverbs 31 woman running to and fro so she can get her children to band or sports or tap and ballet and all at the expense of home cooked meals. Not to mention the beds to be made the floors to be mopped, bathrooms to be cleaned and junk to be dusted.

What about the kids to be hugged and booboo’s to be kissed? Homework to go over? Husband’s to spend time with and help relax after a long day out trying to provide for us. Do they have the opportunity to have a good cry in the car on the way home after a bad day like we do????!!!!! Does that even occur to them?

There will always be appointments to attend, oil to be changed, yards to be mowed, seeds planted, weeds pulled. For those of us that help care for aging parents; there are Medicare papers to review and choices to be made. Knees to be replaced, blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol to lower, Co-pays to pay, deductibles to meet, appointments to schedule. The list goes on and on.

Your frustrated friend, Annette

I have learned a lot since this email was sent to Debbie. The biggest thing being, how to say no. Not to everything, just to the stuff that really isn't necessary. I have to say I haven't missed out on anything. Am I closer to being a P31? Do my children rise up and call me blessed? I don't think so! But I do take more time to focus on God, my family and less on what the world suggests that I should be doing. Each day has it's own challenges, but I think I am up for it.

Do me a favor though and pray for me!

Times Flying But Winters Dragging On

Here it is January 26th and I don't know where the time has gone! We've just gotten over the Christmas holiday's and now the Valentine's stuff is starting to show up in the stores. Where does it end? Maybe I feel like this because I'm broker than a haint and can't wrap my brain around the idea of one more thing to purchase? I do know this, my honey is gonna get a homemade valentine this year!

Either way, you would think what with the minutes, hours and days shooting by at lightening speed that it would be practically summer. Not so, in fact the weatherman has been saying that we might see some snow come Friday night and into Saturday. I hope not, already had snow once this year, that was good enough for me. I'm not a big fan of the cold, it makes me feel.....well, cold.

I should be living somewhere tropical. My goal is to one day live on a tropical island with a home built up in the trees like the Swiss Family Robinson. Well, as long as I can get internet, I would do it. Even though I am a hermit, I like being in touch. The internet is perfect, it allows me to be in touch on my own terms. You gotta love that!

Tropics would mean warm weather most all the time. Yep, I'm ready for spring . Come spring the vine on my front porch will be blooming and "Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster" will be back around eating from the flowers on the front porch. (Big Foot and Loch Ness are what I named the two hummingbirds that dodge my camera every time I try to take their picture).

Perhaps the weatherman is wrong, I can always hope. Come on spring,  I can hardly wait!

Points To Ponder

"See, the human mind is kind of like... a piñata. When it breaks open, there's a lot of surprises inside. Once you get the piñata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience."



                                                                                                                          ~Jane Wagner

Seizure Goat

According to epilepsy.com; "Seizure-alert dogs, as implied by their name, are dogs that can sense and notify their human companions of an oncoming seizure. This alerting behavior has been reported to occur several seconds to 45 minutes or more before the onset of the seizure. The dog does this by exhibiting marked changes in behavior, including close eye contact, circling, pawing, barking etc."

We once had a chihuahua that could tell if you were getting sick. Anytime one of us started coming down with something, even if it was just a headache, she was right there plastered to your side. I find that amazing.

What made me decide to chase this rabbit today? Well my sister forwarded an email today from the People of Walmart site and lo and behold what did I see?

Yep folks, a goat. It appears that the critter is wearing a harnes and is on a leash of some sort so it can't be a seeing eye goat or it would be leading the person and not the other way around. So, I have decided this is one of those seizure alert animals. This is a seizure goat! I don't know how else they could explain why ol' Billy came along on the shopping trip.

Whadda ya think?

What Do You Want To Be?

I figured out why grownups ask little kids what they want to be when they grow up; they're looking for ideas! I have actually always had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to be, it has just taken me to this point to actually believe in myself enough to do it. What about those out there that haven't figured it out yet? What will they do?

I suggest if you are afflicted with IHAVENTGOTTACLUEIAMJUSTGETTINGBY then start with whatever you most wanted to be as a child. Those of you out there that are middle age and wanted to be ballerina's and astronauts, well, I'm not so sure you will be able to achieve that dream but perhaps you could be involved in your desired profession in some other way. The middle aged ballerina wanna be could perhaps work for a company that teaches ballet or someother area of the industry. You get my drift. Don't let the dream die even if actively participating in the main event is out of your grasp.

If you are able to go for what you considered your dream job as a child, all the better! Start out by envisioning yourself at your most successful point in this position. What is your life like? How is your family life? What about your spiritual life? How is your financial position? What are the Pro's and the Cons? If your desire is to own a business, how many employees do you have? etc and so forth.

You must then work backwards and mark each step that brought you to the successful achievement of your desired profession! All they way back to your jumping off place. If you will do this, you will find yourself with a basic outline of the steps you could take to achieve your dream.

You want to be a teacher? Then you will need a teaching position with a school. For that, you will need a degree. You will have to go to college for a degree. Student loans or grants are necessary if you do not have the available funds to pay for schooling outright. Applications will have to be made to obtain student loans and grants. When will you find the time for school? Do you currently work and will need to go to school at night? How will you fit going to school in with your current family life? See? Work out your plan to achieve your goal! Try to envision what obtacles you might come up against and your plan for overcoming them.

Something important to keep in mind as you work out your success journey in your mind; don't be so wrapped up in your vision that you sacrifice what can never be replaced. If you have a family keep in mind that your goal of success is not worth it if you will not be able to enjoy all the benefits together. Never sacrifice your loved ones for the big bucks. The things in life worth having cannot be purchased.

My definitions of rich and wealthy are this; wealthy people have the money to do or buy whatever they want, rich people have all the things that money can't buy. Do you want to be rich or wealthy? There is nothing wrong with wealth, just don't become poor trying to achieve it.

What do I want to be when I grow up? A writer.....what do you want to be?

©  2010  Annette Bagley-Martin

Granny Clampett

This week on facebook we posted profile pictures of a fictional character that best represented our personalities. I knew immediately who my alter ego would be; Daisy Mae Moses, better known as Granny Clampett! This wiry, shrewd, self-sufficient, self taught woman of medicine is exactly everything I ever want to be.

Granny lived a simple life before being uprooted from the Ozark Mountains to Beverly Hills California. She had no use for city slickers or revenuers. Though she lived a simple life she was by no means simple minded and understood that the best in life cannot be bought but is rather earned.

Although I don't have a medical bag like granny, my friends and family know that in the event, I am quite handy with peroxide, betadine and duct tape. Actually, after one incident where I duct taped my fingertip back on, when I nearly sliced it completely off before a dinner party, I was told by one friend to stay away from her if she ever became injured.

I don't know what the fuss is all about, it's not like when we were kids being chased by a parent with a bottle of mercurochrome! They all know that I would be the first one to call 911..... if it was absolutely necessary. I have never told my child; "Baby, get up and shake it off, your fiiiiinne. Now gimme that ear so I can tape it back on......"

Shake It Off And Stamp It Down

I was watching the news and thinking how bad things are in the world right now. Some people think that not enough gets reported. I’m pretty sure we couldn’t handle it if everything was reported all the time. We would be in bad news overload! It’s hard enough to shoulder the world’s bad news while trying to struggle through your own personal circumstances don’t you think?

What circumstances? We all have circumstances, some big and some small but we all have them just the same. The key for me in dealing with difficulties is to do my best to keeping things in perspective. You know, my drinking from the well philosophy (no glass half full for me thank you very much).

I once heard this story and it made me think of the difference between giving up and having hope. I hope it gives you something to think about:

There was a farmer who was walking along a road leading a donkey. It had been a long day and they were walking back from town where the farmer had gone to buy a new shovel and other miscellaneous items.

As they were walking along a bee stung the donkey and startled it so badly that it took off and ran off into the ditch. Now along each side of the road where they were traveling, there were deep drainage ditches. The farmer didn’t know what he was going to do. Here was his donkey in a ditch so deep the top of its head was level with the road! All you could see were his ears sticking up!

No matter how much the farmer pulled, yelled or pleaded, he was unable to get the donkey out of the ditch. He finally gave up. Determined that all was lost and since the donkey was going to die of starvation anyway, he may as well just go ahead and bury him. The farmer leaned down, got the shovel from where the donkey was carrying it on it's back and started shoveling dirt over the top of him.

The farmer was so intent on what he was doing, he did not notice that every time he threw a shovel full of dirt on the donkey, the donkey would shake it off of his back and stamp it down. The farmer shoveled, the donkey shook and stamped. Eventually so much dirt had been shoveled, shaken off and stamped down that the donkey was now almost level with the road and it walked right out of his would be grave.

The farmer had been so intent on putting the donkey out of his misery that he paid no attention to what was happening. Needless to say, the farmer was amazed and couldn’t wait to get back home to tell his family what had happened.     

I guess I am saying all that to say this:  When you are in a rut and life is shoveling crap on you, shake it off and stamp it on down the best you can. Eventually you will be able to step out of your circumstances and carry on with your journey.

Happy To See You

Ray’s Paw Paw, also named Ray, used to be a public school bus driver before he retired. It takes a very special person to be a good bus driver.

Let me just say this; I ain’t that person. I can hardly imagine it. Would I? Well, if I had to. If there was absolutely no other way to make it, then yes, I would drive a school bus. Something I am sure no one is ready to experience, especially me. I feel certain that I would snatch them all baldheaded. It’s not a thought, it’s a feeling.

I once asked Ray how he stood it. I don’t even take my kids to the store with me if at all possible. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids well enough. I just don’t relish the idea of hauling them around, especially a whole busload of 'em. His response? He said that he was happy to see them all. Some he was happy to see getting on the bus and some he was happy to see get off the bus. I was rather amused by his reply and at the same time impressed. What a neat way to put things into perspective.

The estimated population by the world census bureau for December of 2009 was 6,787,257,817. That’s a whole lotta people! Chances are, unless you are a total hermit, you’re gonna cross paths with one or two of them. Between work and home I come in contact with quite a few people myself. With all the misery that goes on in this world wonder what it would hurt to do our part in making this ride the best we possibly can for us all?

Sure there is gonna to be times when you’re not going to get the window seat. There will also be those times when you’re not able to sit with your best friend, but instead you’re stuck with booger-eatin Bob. At times other people’s behavior will ruin the ride for the rest of us, but soon it will be our stop and we will be getting off.

I hope that when it comes to this life that people are glad they got to sit by me and that I remember that just because the people around me are not like me, they are a very important part of the ride. What a boring life it would be if we were all just alike!

More importantly, I hope that people are happy to see me coming instead of going!

Passing Through

These past 5 years I feel like I have attended more funerals than ever in my entire life.  I guess the older we get that is to be expected!

I was born and raised in the south and can still remember when a wake was still held at home. My great-uncles' is the last one I remember being that way. He was laid out in the dining room with the family all around. He had in fact passed away at home as well. Having attended funerals from a very young age, it has never been an uncomfortable experience for me as it is for some.

Ray and I did our best to start taking Alex to the funeral home when she was very young as well. The first couple of times, we took her to the viewing of people she didn’t know that well. This helped her to become familiar with what to expect and to show her that death is very natural and we will all experience it one day. Or so we thought.

When Alex was about four, we were at a visitation that was being held for a friend’s mother. Alex had slipped away from my side and I didn’t notice she had wandered off. Turns out she had gone back into the room where the deceased was lying in state. No one else was in the room at the time and Alex had decided to drag a chair over and get a closer look. When I found her, she had the chair right up against the casket and was up on her knees and had her elbows resting on the edge and her chin resting on her hands gazing down at the woman.

I made a small noise so I wouldn’t startle her and she turned and said. “Why doesn’t she wake up? Everybody is sooo noisy, can’t she hear them?” I said, “Well no, she’s dead Alex.” Her eyes got as big as saucers and she flew out of that chair! All this time I thought she understood what it meant to go to the funeral home! I guess we had never pointed out that particular detail before.

As I listen to the older members of our family talk about what they would like when their time comes it makes me think about what type of celebration I would like to have at my passing. Yes, celebration. I know where I am spending eternity and I intend to live what’s left of my life to the fullest, so how could it be anything else?  I have already told my children I plan to spend their inheritance while I am alive, so don’t expect to get anything. If there is any money, well, they can get it the old fashioned way; through litigation.

Me, what do I want? I used to want a huge funeral, with a horse drawn hearse, plumes included, and dozens of wailing mourners walking in the streets.  Ray said he didn’t think he could afford to pay that many people to cry at my funeral.  I said ok, how about I get cremated, divide the ashes amongst the people that meant the most to me, then each one could distribute them in a way they saw befitting of our friendship.  He then commented that toilets all across the country would be flushing in unison to commemorate my passing. He’s a real funny guy isn't he.

About 5 years ago, I decided that I wanted a Vikings funeral. In fact I told my husband he had better be brushing up on his archery skills since a good aim was paramount to the success of this particular send off. He just looked at me. I’m beginning to think he does not take me seriously.

Funny thing is, last year at my grandfathers’ funeral, my great uncle was telling us how he had traced our family tree all the way back to Europe. He then informed me our direct descendants were Vikings. Ray said that explained a lot…………Poor guy didn’t stand a chance did he?     

One Fine Mess

Abby has finally gotten to that age where her appearance is starting to matter to her. Well, more often than not anyway. I think the key is whether or not she currently has a crush on anyone. When she’s crushing she tends to spend a little more time making sure she is looking her best. When her hair looks good and her socks match, well something’s up my friends!

Except for a short period of time during kindergarten, Alex has always paid attention to how she looked. Clothes, hair, the whole nine yards. Abby? Not so much. Alex agonizes over every clothing choice. Abby has to be monitored or she will go out looking like a rodeo clown.

We long for the day when Abby will put on “normal” clothes every day instead of trying to make a long sleeve t-shirt worn under a tube top with pajama bottoms pass for acceptable school attire. She is such a free spirit.

It is apparent that the music she is marching to is not being played by a drummer. For that matter she is not marching either. If you stand close enough to her, you can actually hear a New Orleans Jazz Band playing. No lie, I swear.

She is such a unique individual, I try to give her poetic license in her choice of outfits. I can usually live with with her selections, within reason. I do like for them to be season appropriate and they must halfway make sense. Her hair is what drives me nuts. She has very fine hair and a lot of it. She can brush it and as soon as she turns to leave the room, it’s all messy again.

She is also tender headed and when you have fine hair it will wind around itself at the nape of the neck and tangle up in a big rat’s nest if you aren’t careful. She can’t stand the pain of brushing out tangles so she will just brush the top layer and leave the knots underneath. If you leave her to her own devices long enough, she will just let her hair morph into dreadlocks.

When we were on vacation this past summer I did just that, left her to her own devices. We stayed pretty busy and for five days she pulled her hair up with a rubber band so I didn’t it give more than a cursory glance. In the back of my mind I knew the day of reckoning would be upon us but I ignored the pit in my stomach and thought happy thoughts. Big Mistake. I should have listened to my gut.

School was starting three days after we were scheduled to return from vacation, so our last day there I decided to brush her hair out for her. The first brush stroke kicked up a rabbit! It took foreverrrrrr to get the tangles out of her hair. She cried from pain, I muttered under my breath, it was not a pretty sight.

Things have not changed much since vacation. Hairs a mess and during the ice storm two weeks ago I don’t think she brushed her hair once. All I can say is that it wouldn’t hurt my feelings any if she took a shine to someone soon.

Dearly Beloved

This past week on Facebook we had Wayyyy Back Week. That meant we all posted pictures of ourselves from our younger days. I myself started with my high school graduation photo and progressed through my wedding picture and onto a photo of my girls and me at the hospital when our youngest was born. It turned out to be a photo timeline of the last 27 years for me.

When I posted our wedding photo I made sure to post my favorite. It is of me and Ray cutting our wedding cake. In this photo he has an expression on his face that is hard to describe. I have always told him that he looks like he is grabbing my butt and that I am smiling for the camera while at the same telling him through clenched teeth what a funny guy he is.

This coming March 16, 2010 will mark the 25th Anniversary of that occasion. I have to tell ya, it just doesn’t seem like that much time has passed. On the one hand, I think that is bad because there is so much that I would like to do and look how quickly time has gone by. On the other hand, I think it is good because you know how time drags when you are doing something you can’t stand.

How have we managed? Accepting the fact that you are both human helps bring a lot of grace to a marriage. Ain’t neither one of us perfect, so learning to support one another when wrong decisions were made helped strengthen us as a couple. Do I always feel that gracious? Of course not! There have been many times when I wasn’t sure I could control the urge to yank a nose hair out of his head in the middle of the night.

We have by no means lived a charmed life. We have had our ups and downs and serious arguments as well as silly disagreements. Making wrong choices as well as right decisions, and learning not to say “I told you so” no matter how much you really want to. The other person already sees you saying it with your eyes so don’t add insult to injury by saying it out loud.

Anyone that has been married for longer than a month knows that once you begin living with the object of your affection the rules change. A fart or two is going to slip and I’m not just talking about him on this one. Irritating habits you told yourself were “cute” when you were dating will be just that, irritating. As time goes by and you start your family, your children will “need” to sleep in your bed with you (believe me never say never) which will put a damper on your love life and you will yearn for the days when it was just the two of you.

My mother-in-law once told me to be sure to choose my battles wisely when I became hurt or upset with my husband. She said life can be miserable if you bicker over every little thing. Her advice was this; when Ray did something to make me crazy, but it really wasn’t worth fussing over, then I should just wait until he went to work and then swish his toothbrush in the toilet. I would feel better, there would be no argument and he would be non-the-wiser. Ray started carrying a toothbrush and toothpaste in his truck once he found out she had told me this.

What do I think the secret to the success of mine and Ray’s marriage is so far? Respect for one another and keeping our sense of humor. If you can find something to laugh about together in any given situation even if it is at yourself, or at least keep the lines of communication open until you can laugh together, you just might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

Your children will make you crazy, just be sure to not let them divide and conquer you. Your families, at times will make you want to run screaming from the building. There will be many times when they will feel the same way about you. You will go through moments of great rejoicing as well as times of deep mourning. Just remember to love each other, though there will be times when you don’t even like each other at all. Don’t go to bed at night if you are fighting, even if it means nobody goes to sleep and everyone is working the next day. We have never regretted that practice.

Our Wedding vows were the standard “To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

These first 25 years, well at times it has felt like we have already had for worse, for poorer, in sickness and I cherish him but I think I’m gonna kill ‘im. What do I have to say about that? LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!!

Ask Yourself

The best piece of advice I ever received was this; “If you have to ask yourself, should I do this? then you probably shouldn’t. "

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a lot of bonehead decisions in my short time on this earth and will probably make a few more in my lifetime. I’m sure the rest of you out there have made a few as well. The trick is for us all to keep our wits about us and when we do mess up, well, let’s just try to stop ourselves before it gets out of hand.

For those of you that mess up really bad, you’re probably going to end up with your name in print and at a photo shoot where your picture will be taken in less than ideal circumstances. Chances are, the photographer  won’t care which is your best side either.  Here are two examples of just how out of hand things can get if you don’t use the ol’ noodle:

Example #1
(Douglas County, Sentinel – Friday, January 15, 2010)
A certain Ms. Daniel’s bond was $8000 for charges of possession of methamphetamine, DUI, drugs and open container. Douglasville police were called to Arby’s, 2755 Chapel Hill Road, because Daniel was allegedly asleep or passed out at the wheel of her running vehicle in the drive thru line. According to Police Sgt. Leland Hester, officers found oxycodone and other pills, an open bottle of vodka and a white powder in Daniel’s purse, of which she said she had no knowledge.

The judge ordered her to enter into and successfully complete a substance abuse therapy program.

I wonder what the poor guy behind her was thinkin’? He’s back there, patiently waiting his turn. Just trying to get his Beef n Cheddar on then make it back to work before his lunch hours up. Daniel, she wasn’t just a little tipsy, she was passed out! Reckon how she even made it to the Arby’s in the first place?!

Once it was discovered that the person holding up the line was taking a little catnap, did they just put her car in neutral and push it outta the way or did they halt production and wait on the police? As far as the white powder she had no knowledge of, I’m betting if they had asked her how she arrived at the Arby’s, she wouldn’t have had any knowledge of that either.

Lesson Learned: If your drinking directly from the vodka bottle and taking a combination of prescription and street drugs, just stay home.
Better yet:  JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

Example #2
(Douglas County, Sentinel – Friday, January 15, 2010)
Mr. N. Johnson was charged with battery, obstructing a 911 call and criminal trespass (damage). His bond was $4000. Johnson allegedly grabbed his girlfriend around the neck Jan. 6, causing visible red marks. He also was accused of taking the phone from her as she tried to make an emergency phone call, and Sgt. Adams said he damaged several pairs of underwear by cutting holes in them with his pocket knife.

The judge ordered Johnson to enroll in and complete anger management counseling and to not physically harm or threaten the female.

Ok, so hot-head here was smacking his girlfriend around. She manages to get away and tries to call 911 but he’s having none of that. Thankfully the police do arrive in time to prevent further threat to this poor young lady. I wish the judge had ordered the girlfriend to enroll in a self defense class as well. Statistically speaking she might just continue to have a relationship with this Out-of-Control Romeo.  She should just take a class anyway. Next time lover boy decides he needs to vent his frustration on her physically, she could drop kick him.

Then there’s the question of the panties, well I assume they were panties. Who knows, they might have been his own drawers he was hacking up. No, I’m going with panties, he was mad at her. It stands to reason he was taking his frustration out on her property. Kinda like how a dog will chew up your favorite shoe.

Either way, why didn’t the judge say something about that? Where’s the restitution for her unmentionables from Vicky Secret? Drawers are expensive and he “damaged several pairs”. Yep, this girl definitely drew the short straw on this deal.

Lesson Learned: If your boyfriend/girlfriend takes their frustrations out on you physically or verbally, don’t walk away------runnnnnn and don’t look back! There is someone for everyone and this one ain’t it!

Until next time, keep your wits about you, be safe and let’s all do our level best to stay off of the police blotter.

Whatcha Skeered Of???

I was talking to my girlfriend Trina the other day and she mentioned that her husband was afraid of needles. So afraid that even though he was quite sick this past week he refused to get a shot. He even went so far as to tell the people in the Dr’s Office that he was allergic to needles.

I found his statement to be amusing as well as interesting. Here was a grown man that was so afraid of shots that he would rather be sick longer that have to endure the unbearable. This morning I got to thinking about this again and all the things in life that people fear. That is when I asked myself; what is my greatest fear?

I decided to take a Poll of my Facebook friends and see what struck fear in their hearts. I received all kinds of answers. Some were very serious and detailed and others were a little on the lighter side. I appreciated each and every response. It meant a lot that everyone took a moment to make them selves transparent to the world like that.

The list of fears contained many of the usual suspects; spiders, rodents, bees and snakes. There was also fear of heights, closed in spaces, drowning and Tornados. Crossing bridges over water as well as black water. Auto accidents, home invasions and death; of ones own self or of ones child.  I noticed that several times it was mentioned that losing ones own health while still being responsible for taking care of others was on the minds of some. I am sure that we will all feel like this at some point in our lives.

The fear of clowns, dwarfs, the biscuit making skills (or lack of) of one particular wife and the current fashion of low rise jeans made the list as well. A girlfriend still had a healthy fear of her mom who can "still kick her butt" and another friend acknowledged that his wife was “packing heat” and that he had respect for her ability to hit a moving target when need be.

The gentleman that was afraid of needles called me this evening on his way home from work. He said he heard I was taking a poll that spun off of his fear of needles. He told me his fear of needles actually had been a great comfort to his mother during his teen years. She felt confident that his phobia would definitely deter him from becoming a heroin addict. We had a good laugh over that!

I believe, no matter how old or “grown” we get, there will still be things that we don’t want to face. There are circumstances that will make us uncomfortable and can at times paralyze us with fear. We may be adults but there are and will always be the one thing, or things out there that will make us feel like we are as helpless as a child.

Myself? I cannot decide if I am afraid of failure or of success. I have always wanted to write but have worried too much about what others would think of what I had to say. I have decided to face my fear and put my words out there for the entire world to see. So here’s my attempt at being brave.

Trina, don’t worry as long as I am alive you won’t have to worry about being alone. I feel like we will be trespassing together for many years to come. Here’s to us, two old bats!

Sissy Boo

One of my favorite people of all time was my dad's mom, Elizabeth Staton. I always called her Granmaw, but one of my cousins gave her the nickname of “Sissy Boo”. She had a couple of other names she went by; Sis, Sister and Mothers. Mostly I remember her being called Sissy Boo.

Sissy Boo was born in 1921 in Forsyth County, Georgia. That same year Coco Chanel introduced Chanel No. 5, a Buick Model D Touring car would set you back $650 and 5 lbs of flour cost you 41 cents. She was down to earth, sharp as a tack and a whole lot country. She loved to experience new things and hardly ever passed up a chance to see or do something interesting.

My Granmaw was not a drinker or a smoker, but she did dip snuff. I always remember her having a purse that without fail contained these two items; Double Mint gum and a spit cup with some pink tissue pushed down inside of it to hold the sloshing to a minimum.

One of my favorite memories of her and that purse was when, she called me and Ray up one night and asked what we were doing that weekend. We said "whatever you wanna do Granmaw”.  She proceeded to tell us that there was gonna be women’s mud wrestling and bear wrestling at the Franklin Outdoor Arena. She told me that she had never seen anything like that before and her chances of ever getting to again would be pretty slim if she passed up this opportunity.

I was skeptical, but Ray of course was all about it. So off to the mud wrestling we went. Parking was in a huge pasture and we had to walk quite a ways to the stands.  I can still see her picking her way through the pasture with her patent leather pocketbook slung over her arm, spitting snuff juice and saying “Lord, I hope nobody from my Sunday school class sees me!” I cracked up and told her if they did, they could both act like they didn’t recognize one another.

She loved to fish, and her and my granddad had a motor home they would take to New Orleans and “PannyMaw City”, to go deep sea fishing all the time. My granddad, who I called by his first name, Bill, was actually my stepgranddad.  Bill caught a hammerhead shark on one of those fishing trips and for years I thought it was the actual fish that he caught hanging on the wall in their house. Ray burst my bubble one year and told me it was a plastic replica that was airbrushed to look like the fish that was actually caught. All that time I had thought there was some lengthy preservation process done to keep it looking fresh, it figures.

Lucky for Ray it was lost in a fire because I would have done whatever I could to sweet talk my grandmother out of that shark to hang in my house. Why? Are you new??!!! Because it was neat, it reminded me of my grandparents and because it would give people something to talk about. I might just have to go catch one for myself, because I’m pretty sure Abby’s going to have a child that would appreciate having it passed down to them.

They had a farm where they had among other things, Ostriches, hogs, goats, chickens and Brahma bulls. She also had a mean ol’ house dog named Tippy who loved my grandmother but didn’t have a whole lotta use for the rest of us. I’m pretty sure if Tippy hadn’t ever bit you then you were not officially a member of the family.

Since she loved to fish they had a pond on their place they kept stocked, and there was all the May Pops you could eat along the way. She made the best biscuits ever and there was never a time when there was not at least one biscuit and a piece of streak Olean on a saucer sittin’on top of the stove ready for whoever needed a snack.

Sissy Boo had a neat way of speaking and when I look back, it could pass for a foreign language these days. As kids we played outside, a lot! When you went to Granmaws house you made sure to wear your play clothes. She would tell us how we looked like “the dogs’ed had us under the house” when we would come in filthy from head to toe.

For those of you that don’t understand what that means, back in the day, houses at times were built up on stone or brick pillars which raised them a foot or more off of the ground. If you had a throw rug hanging out to dry on the porch rail, the dogs just might steal it and take it under the house with them where it would get quite filthy.  The dogs loved laying there in the dirt where it was a cool place to escape from the summer heat.

If Granmaw were still with us today I’m not too sure what all she would be getting into, but you could count on this; it would be fun, always interesting and she would give us all a run for our money.

Butt Whuppins

When I was growing up my parents disciplined us by spanking. If you misbehaved at a friends house, you usually got a spanking there and another one when you got home. You crossed the line at school; you got a paddling, there and at home. Grandma’s house, she would make you get a switch to tear your legs up with. Don’t bring back a little one either or she would go out and bring back the whole tree.

Did you ever get a whipping with a piece of Hot Wheels track? I still can’t look at a length of orange Hot Wheels track without hearing the sound it made when being swung at your backside. The track would get warped after mom used it for a belt and it never would lay flat again after that.

My mom dealt out all the beatings at our house. I never remember my dad whipping me. Sometime when I was around 7 or 8 he ended up making a leather strap for my mom that had 6 perfectly spaced holes drilled into the end. He didn’t whip us but he did provide the tools and she put them to good use.

I don’t remember there ever being one special place where she kept the “belt” as it came to be known, but I do know when left unattended it would somehow come up missing. Its disappearance was always blamed on one of the two invisible children that lived with us; Idontknow and Notme.

If mom left it on the arm of the sofa and you were stealthy enough, you could hide it underneath the sofa. You had to be quick though. It was a two step process. Knock off arm onto floor, use toe of shoe to slide under sofa. Never a good idea to linger too long in the vicinity. You didn’t want to chance getting caught or being the first person to come to mind when the belt was finally unearthed.

I remember my mom always had the belt within easy reach. You’re probably saying, “Y’all were one bunch of rotten kids!” Actually, we were pretty well behaved. You get smacked by that thing a few good times and you did your level best to make sure there was not going to be a repeat performance!

The belt was not quite three feet long but I swear it could reach to the very back of a station wagon from the front seat. Mom took it with us on vacation, trips to the grocery store, any trip in the car that was longer than 5 miles one way, that belt was going.  No counting to three at our house, unless she was counting the number of swings she was taking. There were no time outs given unless we had to take time out to unearth the belt so we could get our butt whuppin’.

As a result of this corporal punishment do I suffer from low self esteem? Certainly NOT. If anything, the whippings I received as a child helped make me who I am today. Some might even say I didn’t get enough of ‘em……..

One Plucky Chick

I am sitting here reading Cosmopolitan Magazine, which I never do. I was needing some blogging fodder as my family behaved quite normally today.

The police blotter contained nothing that gave cause for second glance. The only notable item in the classifieds was a name change notice. When the notice was typed up the name they were changing from and the name they were changing to were exactly the same. I wonder if they will have to start the whole public notice process over since that was obviously a typo.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, Cosmo. The particular item that caught my eye in was in Beauty Q+A, where “every month, we answer a bunch of your burning beauty questions.” No lie, that’s what it says.

A reader sent in the following question:

I plucked off almost all my brows. Can I fill them in without getting a drawn-on effect?

OKKKKKKKK. I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will take a stab at this one. Unless you’re an expert at Trompe L'Oeil, it’s going to look like your drew them suckers on!

Cosmo suggested that this person (who apparently has a nervous habit) remember the three F’s. They are as follows:

Fill: In the entire brow, not just bald spots
Fix: Extra thin areas
Feathering: Finish by feathering out the color

Seems to me that once you Fill you won’t need to do the Fix step. I’m just saying. Feathering? This is the chick that plucked them out to begin with. She’s probably gonna end up with a look that will come to be known as the Farrah. When it comes to your eyebrow’s that’s not a good look for anyone!

Why did they leave out the important tips? You know, like Color. Always, always, I cannot stress this enough, always use a color that closely matches your hair color. Always.

Another tip that should have been disclosed is Arch. Never, ever arch you eyebrows reminiscent of a Barnum and Bailey’s Circus clown. Never.

If anyone can think of any other tips for this poor girl, please be sure to share them and I will be sure to post them!

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Today our Christmas tree finally came down. Pitiful, huh? Well, Friday was a snow day and we couldn’t take it down then, we had to play outside. All the days prior to that? Well, we all walked around trying to ignore the fact there was still a Christmas tree even up. I was waiting to see if the kids acknowledged they hadn’t taken it down. The kids I believe thought since I didn’t say anything I had forgotten it was even up. Whatever.

The kids put the tree up while I was in Las Vegas at the beginning of December. I asked them to take it down last week before they went back to school from Christmas break. Like most things they are asked to do, the request must be submitted in triplicate.

Friday I had come in from riding on the ice behind the four wheeler with Alex. RayRay had secured an old tire with a tow strap and we had been flying up and down the street on it. When I came in from outside I thought I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye, but when I looked around, nothing. Then I noticed the cat making her way across the dining room floor and she had a purpose in mind. Next thing I knew she climbed up on the table, jumped into the Christmas tree and a bird flew out the top. It landed on the hutch and then quickly flew back into the Christmas tree.

I knew it! I knew I had seen something! I grab the tree with one hand and the cat with the other. The dog is dancing around my feet the whole time, thinking the cat is playing some new game and wanting to take her turn to run up the tree. I set the cat down to see if she can flush out the bird and we all see it at the same time.  The cat lunges, the dog barks and the bird flies across the room and lands on the file cabinet in the office.

The cat goes bounding toward the office, the dog is trying to keep up with a game to which she has no idea what the rules are and I’m trying to get to the French doors so that I can give the bird a means of escape. Cat reaches bird, bird totally ignores the open door and flies back across house to tree and lands in the top. Dog?  She comes to a screeching halt at the food bowl making a pit stop.

I then begin a twisted game of keep away with the cat trying to shield the bird from its clutches. All the while the bird is jumping from tree to hutch to bookcase. The cat? She is biding her time waiting for the right moment to pounce. The dog tries to grab the cat’s tail in her mouth as it swishes back and forth like a dropped water hose turned on full force. Every once in awhile the dog grabs a mouth full of hair and the cat reaches back to slap at her while she keeps one eye on the bird.
Our cockatiels are watching all the action from the living room and cheering on the wild bird. Once again, I try to shoo the bird toward the French doors.  All the while I have the cat under one arm and I'm shoving the dog outta the way with my foot as I make my way across the room. It is slow going. Back and forth we go, file cabinet to tree, tree to file cabinet. One time it landed on the mantel. I’m guessing to survey the lay of the land and perhaps locate the other birds that are shouting encouragement.  Perhaps they knew the way out?  Finally the bird does go out the door. The cat walks away in digust and the dog looks around as if to say “Is it my turn yet?”

How did it get in the house? Not too sure, maybe it was cold and wanted to get warm. It probably spotted that great indoor tree and had been plotting for hours to get inside.

The kids were given strict instructions today as I left for work to get the Christmas tree down and put it away before I got home. Did they do it? Yes, after another bird flew in the house and gave them a merry chase. Then and only then did they remember what they were supposed to be doing all along.

Wise Up

Have any of you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day?

The movie is about Phil Conners a television weatherman, played by Bill Murray and his producer, Rita, played by Andie MacDowell. They are on location in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on February 2 to report on the annual Groundhog Day activities revolving around Punxsutawney Phil.

This is a comedy and essentially what happens is that due to various circumstances they are detained in town and every morning Phil wakes up to find out it is February 2nd all over again. Many mishaps and crazy antics ensue as he takes advantage of the situation where tomorrow is a clean slate and there is no fear of long term consequences.

Phil eventually grows weary of this and confesses what is happening to Rita. She suggests that he should be taking advantage of the situation by improving himself. You will have to rent the movie to see what happens. I don’t think you will be disappointed.

Many times since I have had children I feel like it is Groundhog Day around here! The instructions given the day before somehow end up being as fleeting as a Black Friday Early Bird Sale at Target. Why do my children think when I want them to pick up after themselves I don’t mean all the time?

I will never forget the frustration of EVERY morning of elementary school I had to ask both my girls; do you have your homework? Did you brush your teeth? Do you have your agenda? Where’s your coat, shoes etc and so forth. I feel a lot of times the reason they don’t do things automatically is because I am their living Day Planner. They don’t have to remember, mom will be by shortly to go over the To Do List.

Well, they are in Middle and High School now and they are on their own! Alex is a senior and I cut her off middle of her freshman year. Abby, she received her rude awakening this year, her first year of middle school. It is time for them to wise up and use what they have been taught!

Tonight at church the sermon was about wisdom and how you gain wisdom through your life experiences. You become wise by applying the knowledge you gained. One of the things that preacher mentioned was how he was not knowledgeable in certain things. Car mechanics for instance. He does not like grease on his hands so this intense dislike prevents him from learning auto mechanics.

What I learned from that statement is this: You can only learn what you are willing to get your hands dirty doing. Metaphorically speaking, whatever you want to know in life, get elbow deep in it. Learn it inside and out and apply what you learn.

My children, well I have stepped aside as their walking agenda and they are learning that they have to be responsible for certain aspects of their lives. Tell a kid a couple of times in a row you’re not bringing their homework to the school and I guarantee they will remember to put it in their book bag!

Myself? There is a lot in my life I want to improve spiritually, physically and literarily. We learn from each other and we are never too old to learn. Here’s to continuing education!

Your Space MyFace

I have always loved technology. As pitiful as it sounds, I remember the first time I realized this. I was in high school and taking typing. This is where I was introduced to the IBM Correcting Selectric II typewriter. To quote Ian Gold, “From there, it was all she wrote”.

After that there came call waiting. What should have been a great thing turned out to be a bit of a double edged sword. I will never forget those first couple of months after call waiting came out. Did any of you guys have the pleasure/frustration of trying to walk your parents through the finer points of taking that second call? While they were on the phone with you?

Mom:      “Annette, don’t forget the next time you come by to bring my cake plate back....what’s that noise?”
Annette:   “What noise mom, I don’t hear anything.”
Mom:      “There it is again. Ohhh, I think it’s another call.”
Annette:   “Well, just click over and see who it is.”
Mom:       “How do I do that?”
Annette:   “Are you in the kitchen, on the wall phone? Push down on the button that hangs up the phone and it should connect you.”
Mom:      “I’m not on the kitchen phone, I’m on the cordless.”
Annette:   “Oh (crap) push the flash button then.”
Mom:      “Where’s the flash button?”
Annette:   “I’m not sure mom, they vary from phone to phone. I don’t think you need to bot...” Mom… mom?”
 Ring, Ring
Annette:   “Hey mom.”
Mom:       “There was no one there and it just hung me up when I pushed that button on the base!”
Annette:   “You took too long to click over, they hung up. You were supposed to push the flash button. You only push the button on the base if there is no flash button.”
Mom:      “Well I couldn’t see a flash button. This is crazy, I don’t like this call waiting.”
Annette:   “I’m with ya mom. I’m starting to not like it so much myself…..”

After call waiting there came pagers, fax machines (which held all the mystery of Wonka Vision for me and still does to this day!) Cellular phones, computers, and the list goes on.

My kids are now experiencing what I felt in trying to explain call waiting whenever I say; “How do I change my profile picture, or chat with someone or find someone to ask them to be my friend? How do I put something on their wall?”

Alex:    "You comment, mom."
Me:      “Oh. Are you going to be my friend, I invited you.”
Alex:    " Are you going to comment on my wall mom?
Me:     “I might.”
Alex:    "Just don’t embarrass me…….. "

I don’t see it, but I can feel Alex rolling her eyes and sighing as she trudges over to instruct me on the finer points of Facebook. She better watch out, I’m not all that old and while my mom didn't come out of the technology shoot so fast she has done a great job of catching up.  I too shall give my kids a run for their money!

When I do get old, I plan to be like those two brothers on Second Hand Lions so she ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

Looking For Love and Covering All The Bases

I love to read the paper.  All sections of the paper, from the headlines to the classifieds.  If you are one of my lucky coworkers, you get the added pleasure of having me read these aloud to you on a regular basis!  My two favorite parts of the paper are the police blotter and the personals.  Tonight, I hope you don't mind, but I am sharing my all time favorite personals ad.

It is a little long, but worth reading to the end.  Enjoy!  (For those of you that want to know why I was reading the personals, scroll back a few blog entries.  I am also known to purchase items out of  vending machines in truck stop bathrooms)

Divorced, happy, stable, loyal, punctual, romantic, HIV negative, herpes free, emotionally available, 53 year old heterosexual African American male, no piercings, no gold teeth, no tattoos, no dentures, no earrings, no hidden agenda; seeks a single female in the age range of 45 to 55 years of age for a long term monogamous loving relationship and possibly more if we discover that there is genuine chemistry between us.

I have had all of my shots, I have been dipped for fleas, I am totally house broken and I am free to a good home. During my down time, I love to travel, bond with the offspring, cook, play spades, take and develop photographs (yes I have a digital camera but I still enjoy getting into the dark room and doing it the old fashioned way), spend quality time with my family and friends, watch live theater, listen to jazz (live or recorded), go out to the movies, watch DVD / Blu-ray movies at home, visit museums and attend outdoor concerts.   My favorite impromptu getaways are to locations in the mountains and on the beach. My children are grown, out on their own and doing well, my ex remarried years ago and my life outside of my job is drama free.

Your life must be drama and baggage free as well. I am spiritually balanced, mentally healthy, even tempered, easy to be around, uncomplicated (but not simple), fun to be with, reliable, active, loyal and above all; self sufficient. I look for these same qualities in my significant other. My significant other’s race, nation of origin and dress size are not issues for me.

Please ladies, if you are still attached, have ever lived as a man, are HIV positive, have herpes, have hepatitis c, are recently discharged from a psychiatric facility before completing your treatment program, are currently in the witness protection program, are separated but not divorced, are a pre op transsexual, are a post op transsexual, are a fugitive from justice, are recently off of your medications against your doctor’s advice.

If perfect strangers begin spontaneously chanting “Jerry…Jerry...Jerry” whenever you come around, if you are out on bond, if your ex still has a key to your place and still uses it from time to time, if you play more games than the NFL and the NBA combined, if you are only interested in a long distance relationship, if you have ever slept with your best girlfriend’s man, if you are unable to reach your therapist, if you can’t have men over to your place for any reason, if we can not be seen in public together, if you are currently only in search of “the meaningful one night relationship”, if you are “going through something”.

If you are bisexual, lesbian or bi-curious, if you do not want your children to meet the man that you are dating, if you are bi-polar, if you require more than 2 weeks of e-mails, telephone calls and instant messages before we can meet in person, if you have ever been the driver in a high speed chase and are not a member of the law enforcement community, if we can only see each other on the weekends or on a specific weekday, if you have any active restraining orders against you, if you have able bodied adult children over the age of 18 living at home with you and not working or going to school.

If you recently “caught a case”, if you are currently out on parole, if you are required to register as a sex offender, if you are recently out of a bad or abusive relationship, if your teenage son or daughter can only fall asleep in mommy’s bed, if the cats and dogs have to sleep in the same bed as you at night, if you are emotionally or otherwise unavailable, if you say that you want a stable long term relationship and then find yourself sabotaging the relationship when you begin to develop feelings for the other person.

If you have poor hygiene, if you still live at home with your parents, if you still live at home with your adult children, if your past marriage or relationship still adversely affects your present and your future relationships, if you are celibate, if you are single and have not dated in more than five years, if you have low self esteem, if you have ever been caught in a “situation” by Joey Greco, if you have control issues, if you are in the country illegally, if you have been divorced for less than 6 months or if your room mate just happens to also be your baby’s daddy, kindly hold down the Alt key on your keyboard and press F4 now.

Please ladies, no collect calls from other countries, no collect calls from other states, no pay telephone numbers, no collect calls from correctional institutions, no friend’s cellular phone numbers, no numbers that will be “on soon”, no numbers that ring up at “the club” or at the bus station, no toll free or 976 numbers. Please, no poorly illuminated, out of focus microscopic photographs of you standing a mile (1.61 kilometers) away from the camera facing in the opposite direction. No photographs taken of yourself in a mirror where the camera or the cell phone is covering your face. No photographs of yourself that are more than 1 year old or that have so many people in the photograph that I have to guess which person you might be. If your photo is too large to send get it cropped or resized before you reply.

 No, I can not Western Union any money to you before we meet. No, I can not deposit any checks from Ghana or Nigeria into my personal account and then wire transfer to you 75% of the check amount. No, I do not want to “purchase a date” with you. No I can not repair your car or send you an airline ticket so that we can meet in person. No, you may not have any “merchandise” shipped to my address for later retrieval. No, I can not pay any utility bills or utility deposits “down at the check cashing place” on your behalf. No I do not wish to claim any of your children on my income tax for a small fee now. No I can not send a blank money order to your post office box. No, I can not cosign on your behalf for a personal loan or for an automobile. No I can not marry you for the purpose of obtaining your U.S. citizenship.

No I will not father any children with you so that you can remain in the United States. Hackers and Spammers, I kill bot generated responses and any attachments on site so save your processor cycles. I do not perform any type of verification on 3rd party web sites so do not ask. Please do not request or demand a photograph without first providing one. Gentlemen, thank you for your e-mails and invitations, I am truly flattered, unfortunately this is not that type of party. Please don’t get it twisted.

Pets, aging parents and a maximum of two dependants are welcome. I am open to adoption, foster care and special needs situations. Special consideration awarded to individuals that like both red and blue Hawaiian Punch. If you like to spoon by the fireplace on a rainy or cold day, please step to the head of the line now. Please make certain that you are serious about finding a long term relationship before you respond to this posting.

Please also make certain that you have the time and the commitment to support a monogamous loving relationship before you respond. Please respond with a current photograph (not a hyperlink to a photograph) and a brief bio that tells me a little about you. High speed wireless Internet access, extensive onsite DVD collection and High Definition Television (1080p) provided during your visits at no additional charge. Please have your own place and your own transportation.

Ladies, if you have never used a metal ice tray with a handle, never watched the Ed Sullivan show, never played an LP album on a turntable or owned a transistor radio, chances are you should not be up this late playing on the computer and you should probably be introducing me to your mother, big sister, aunt or that nice older lady from your church. Ladies, I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your search for a compatible mate.

Don’t get discouraged as you search for a loving relationship and never stop loving yourself during your search. Believe it or not, there are still good people like you and I out there looking for one exclusive love. Know that you are now; and always have been; worthy of love. Remember, it is better to aim high and miss than to aim low and hit. Select, don’t settle. Sex is easy, love is hard. Let me hear about your success stories. Stay blessed, be safe and happy hunting! Happy New Year.

Mothers Creed

We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

                                                                                                            ~ Mother Teresa

About a week or so ago a friend posted a variation of this quote on his Facebook wall. This was not the first time I had ever seen it and initially it gave me a chuckle. When you think about who said it, you see it from an entirely different perspective. The context, in which I am using it today, is yet another. This is sort of a Mothers Creed if you ask me.

Tonight my Facebook friend Marsha M. was crying out to her friends the frustration she was feeling as a young mother and wife. I truly remember those days. Marsha, it will not always be this way….well not every day. So while you are spinning around on that merry-go-round of seemingly endless duties don’t lose heart. Somedays it will feel like a rollercoaster instead!

I have decided that God knew what he was doing when he had our children arrive as infants. Sweet little bundles with slobbery toothless smiles. Well, how can you resist that? What if they came, say around the age of six? Front teeth missing, bubble gum stuck in the top of a hairdo made possible with scissors the package swears will only cut paper. Band-Aids stuck everywhere, even though there is no booboo. I’m thinking we would not have been all that impressed and said none for me thanks.

You will never be able to get the markers on a high enough shelf and they will always decide to do a little creative body art mere hours before pictures are scheduled to be made. Worms, crayons, and all manner of little plastic toys will go through the washer and dryer. You will find your silverware in the yard, grow eyes in the back of your head and be able to distinguish the cry of your child from any other in a room filled with 200 people.

All this time you will tell yourself, I will get a break when he starts school.  Guess again sister! When school starts they come home with a list of 10,000 site words that they must learn or your child will not be promoted to first grade. Learning those words can feel like nailing jello to a tree. Once promoted, there is another list of words to be memorized, or project to be done that you will find out about 11pm the night before it is due. (Perhaps you will be the mom that reads/signs the agenda every night and will not have these little surprises. I never seemed to master that.)

Our children are more concerned with what their book bag or lunch box looks like than their clothing when they are little. I can’t tell you how many times Alex went to school with two different colored socks on. I would look at her and say, I bet you have two pair of those! She just grinned. You will then see that some things really don’t matter. Funny how a 5 year old can teach you that two pair of socks can easily be turned into four!

We all have days where we are exhausted and have the sensation of feeling our way around in the dark. I never understood why my mom always wanted me to go to bed early. It seemed like she was always saying “Go to bed, get some sleep, and don’t stay up all night”. She should have teaching me how to operate off of as little sleep as possible! I now know she was really saying, “Go to bed, sleep while you can!” 

We all want our husbands to understand that it is not babysitting but parenting and no, the laundry never, ever gets done and all put away. When you look around and see toys in the floor, bills piled high and your child eating a candy cane and it's the middle of August. Don’t lose heart. Go over and ask your husband if two can play the video game he is enjoying and put your mommy hat on the shelf for a little while. It will all be there when you come back to it, trust me.

Brrrrrrr I'm Fweeezin'

I have been hearing rumblings about snow showing up in the greater metropolis of Douglasville Georgia tomorrow. I’m a little skeptical, but this is what “they” say:

Tomorrow: Partly cloudy skies during the morning hours will give way to cloudy skies with a mixture of rain and snow developing in the afternoon. High 41F. Winds WSW at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of precipitation 60%

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t believe that it will actually snow; it is just that if I want it too much it won’t actually happen. So, shhhh don’t say nuthin' to nobody.

I remember in 1982 we had such a bad ice storm that my dad had to park his truck on interstate 20 and walk home from Fulton Industrial Boulevard. It was around 16 and half miles from there to where we lived off of Highway 5 in Cherokee Manor. I can’t imagine how cold that walk must have been in a thin blue work uniform and work boots.

Actually, I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I have come to the point in my life where I would prefer my world stay at a steady 73 degrees and sunny at all times. This cold snap has gotten me a little out of sorts!

It has actually been so cold in my office that I am certain I could see my breath while talking on the phone today!  I thought I would get smart and buy a pair of cheap gloves and cut the fingertips out of them so that I could stay warm and at the same time remain productive.

Well, I should have considered the fact the gloves were made from a luxurious velour type yarn and their cut ends are now raining little black bits all over my desk. It looks like someone shook a bunch of dead gnats out of the light fixtures overhead.

I’ve considered taking up smoking just for the simple purpose of having an open flame close to my nose so that it doesn’t get frostbite. Don’t worry; I will do it Clinton style and not inhale.

I’m trying really hard to layer my clothes to help keep my body insulated.  I haven’t mastered the art of wearing two pairs of shoes at the same time yet, so I have lost all feeling in my feet. I am wearing the thickest socks I own, but somehow it is still not enough.  I need to take the time to look up the symptoms of hypothermia because lately I hear the phone ringing alllllll the time, even when it’s not. Is ringing in the ears attributed to hypothermia?

Why do I secretly want it to snow despite my current misery? Well, it seems like such a waste to be this cold for this long and not get a little of that magical wonderland that snow seems to bring to the landscape. So, here’s hoping………