PENA

Today I decided that a good way to kick off the New Year would be to tidy up a little bit. Everywhere I turned I noticed little piles of things that needed putting away. The more I put away, the more I noticed. Have you ever had that happen?

It was beginning to get a little overwhelming so I decided to start at the back of the house in my bedroom and then work my way forward from there. We have a ranch style home so it is fairly easy to work from one end to the other. I started by stripping the sheets and pillowcases so I could get those in to wash. I recently purchased these little plastic thingies that are supposed to help hold your fitted sheet in place. I needed to put them somewhere so they wouldn’t get lost while the sheets washed, so I reached over to put them in the nightstand drawer. Good grief, it won’t shut back all the way. Why is it jamming like that?

Well, I had better begin here since obviously the nightstand drawer is full to capacity. I don’t think anyone intends for their nightstand drawer to be a catchall, but that is exactly what it seems to end up being. I pull the drawer completely out expecting to take a quick five minutes to sort out the contents and get rid of any stray throat lozenge wrappers that are cluttering it up. There has got to be a simple explanation for the drawer not closing properly. Must be a nail file or something. Well, here is what I actually found:

One set of children’s metal handcuffs, but no key. What the heck! Oh, yeah, the key, that’s why they were there. I didn’t want the kids playing around and then not be able to remove them. I better put those somewhere else.  I can see it now, one of us ends up in the hospital and some good intentioned friend comes by our house to put together a little overnight bag for us. Where do you keep your glasses Annette? Oh, they’re in my nightstand drawer, you can’t miss them.

I can only imagine what would run through their minds as they set the handcuffs aside while looking for my glasses. Once they move the handcuffs they would then notice the unopened pack of cherry flavored, neon colored body paints. This little goodie was actually obtained from a truck stop bathroom vending machine on one of our trips to the mountains. Oh and look! Another package from the vending machine.

Now it’s all starting to come back to me. Sheer Thin Aroma’s. I bet you couldn’t tell by the name that these were condoms. They come in “four delicious scents, strawberry, banana, vanilla and spearmint”. Wait, it gets better! On the back of the package there is a $1 rebate coupon. Now in order to receive your rebate you must mail two of the condom packages in to a specified address. No reproductions will be accepted. I’m thinking since these are condoms, no reproduction was indeed the goal to begin with!! The condoms were being sold for 50 cents each so if you are really thrifty, and a frequent purchaser, this could be worth your while in the long run.

The package goes on to say that “each condom is electronically tested to assure you the finest quality” and “each aromas condom meets or surpasses U.S. and international standards”. Hmmm. Where to begin? I thought condoms were a one time use kind of product. Sooooo, if they have been electronically tested, lubricated, placed in packaging and then distributed to the public, wouldn’t that increase their chance of failure? I’m just saying.

Secondly, meets or exceeds U.S. and international standards. What government agency is this? Let’s see, I have heard of the EPA who’s covering this? PENA, the Prophylactic Engineering National Agency? Inquiring minds want to know!

Why did I purchase these items from a bathroom vending machine? Good question. If you know anything about me, you would know that I did it because they were there and it struck my funny bone. Then after reading the packaging, there it was, a story waiting to be told.

Seriously, ask any of my friends, they will vouch for me. Oh yeah, a pencil that had fallen out of the drawer and down the back of the stand, that's what was causing the drawer to jam.