I love to read the paper. All sections of the paper, from the headlines to the classifieds. If you are one of my lucky coworkers, you get the added pleasure of having me read these aloud to you on a regular basis! My two favorite parts of the paper are the police blotter and the personals. Tonight, I hope you don't mind, but I am sharing my all time favorite personals ad.
It is a little long, but worth reading to the end. Enjoy! (For those of you that want to know why I was reading the personals, scroll back a few blog entries. I am also known to purchase items out of vending machines in truck stop bathrooms)
Divorced, happy, stable, loyal, punctual, romantic, HIV negative, herpes free, emotionally available, 53 year old heterosexual African American male, no piercings, no gold teeth, no tattoos, no dentures, no earrings, no hidden agenda; seeks a single female in the age range of 45 to 55 years of age for a long term monogamous loving relationship and possibly more if we discover that there is genuine chemistry between us.
I have had all of my shots, I have been dipped for fleas, I am totally house broken and I am free to a good home. During my down time, I love to travel, bond with the offspring, cook, play spades, take and develop photographs (yes I have a digital camera but I still enjoy getting into the dark room and doing it the old fashioned way), spend quality time with my family and friends, watch live theater, listen to jazz (live or recorded), go out to the movies, watch DVD / Blu-ray movies at home, visit museums and attend outdoor concerts. My favorite impromptu getaways are to locations in the mountains and on the beach. My children are grown, out on their own and doing well, my ex remarried years ago and my life outside of my job is drama free.
Your life must be drama and baggage free as well. I am spiritually balanced, mentally healthy, even tempered, easy to be around, uncomplicated (but not simple), fun to be with, reliable, active, loyal and above all; self sufficient. I look for these same qualities in my significant other. My significant other’s race, nation of origin and dress size are not issues for me.
Please ladies, if you are still attached, have ever lived as a man, are HIV positive, have herpes, have hepatitis c, are recently discharged from a psychiatric facility before completing your treatment program, are currently in the witness protection program, are separated but not divorced, are a pre op transsexual, are a post op transsexual, are a fugitive from justice, are recently off of your medications against your doctor’s advice.
If perfect strangers begin spontaneously chanting “Jerry…Jerry...Jerry” whenever you come around, if you are out on bond, if your ex still has a key to your place and still uses it from time to time, if you play more games than the NFL and the NBA combined, if you are only interested in a long distance relationship, if you have ever slept with your best girlfriend’s man, if you are unable to reach your therapist, if you can’t have men over to your place for any reason, if we can not be seen in public together, if you are currently only in search of “the meaningful one night relationship”, if you are “going through something”.
If you are bisexual, lesbian or bi-curious, if you do not want your children to meet the man that you are dating, if you are bi-polar, if you require more than 2 weeks of e-mails, telephone calls and instant messages before we can meet in person, if you have ever been the driver in a high speed chase and are not a member of the law enforcement community, if we can only see each other on the weekends or on a specific weekday, if you have any active restraining orders against you, if you have able bodied adult children over the age of 18 living at home with you and not working or going to school.
If you recently “caught a case”, if you are currently out on parole, if you are required to register as a sex offender, if you are recently out of a bad or abusive relationship, if your teenage son or daughter can only fall asleep in mommy’s bed, if the cats and dogs have to sleep in the same bed as you at night, if you are emotionally or otherwise unavailable, if you say that you want a stable long term relationship and then find yourself sabotaging the relationship when you begin to develop feelings for the other person.
If you have poor hygiene, if you still live at home with your parents, if you still live at home with your adult children, if your past marriage or relationship still adversely affects your present and your future relationships, if you are celibate, if you are single and have not dated in more than five years, if you have low self esteem, if you have ever been caught in a “situation” by Joey Greco, if you have control issues, if you are in the country illegally, if you have been divorced for less than 6 months or if your room mate just happens to also be your baby’s daddy, kindly hold down the Alt key on your keyboard and press F4 now.
Please ladies, no collect calls from other countries, no collect calls from other states, no pay telephone numbers, no collect calls from correctional institutions, no friend’s cellular phone numbers, no numbers that will be “on soon”, no numbers that ring up at “the club” or at the bus station, no toll free or 976 numbers. Please, no poorly illuminated, out of focus microscopic photographs of you standing a mile (1.61 kilometers) away from the camera facing in the opposite direction. No photographs taken of yourself in a mirror where the camera or the cell phone is covering your face. No photographs of yourself that are more than 1 year old or that have so many people in the photograph that I have to guess which person you might be. If your photo is too large to send get it cropped or resized before you reply.
No, I can not Western Union any money to you before we meet. No, I can not deposit any checks from Ghana or Nigeria into my personal account and then wire transfer to you 75% of the check amount. No, I do not want to “purchase a date” with you. No I can not repair your car or send you an airline ticket so that we can meet in person. No, you may not have any “merchandise” shipped to my address for later retrieval. No, I can not pay any utility bills or utility deposits “down at the check cashing place” on your behalf. No I do not wish to claim any of your children on my income tax for a small fee now. No I can not send a blank money order to your post office box. No, I can not cosign on your behalf for a personal loan or for an automobile. No I can not marry you for the purpose of obtaining your U.S. citizenship.
No I will not father any children with you so that you can remain in the United States. Hackers and Spammers, I kill bot generated responses and any attachments on site so save your processor cycles. I do not perform any type of verification on 3rd party web sites so do not ask. Please do not request or demand a photograph without first providing one. Gentlemen, thank you for your e-mails and invitations, I am truly flattered, unfortunately this is not that type of party. Please don’t get it twisted.
Pets, aging parents and a maximum of two dependants are welcome. I am open to adoption, foster care and special needs situations. Special consideration awarded to individuals that like both red and blue Hawaiian Punch. If you like to spoon by the fireplace on a rainy or cold day, please step to the head of the line now. Please make certain that you are serious about finding a long term relationship before you respond to this posting.
Please also make certain that you have the time and the commitment to support a monogamous loving relationship before you respond. Please respond with a current photograph (not a hyperlink to a photograph) and a brief bio that tells me a little about you. High speed wireless Internet access, extensive onsite DVD collection and High Definition Television (1080p) provided during your visits at no additional charge. Please have your own place and your own transportation.
Ladies, if you have never used a metal ice tray with a handle, never watched the Ed Sullivan show, never played an LP album on a turntable or owned a transistor radio, chances are you should not be up this late playing on the computer and you should probably be introducing me to your mother, big sister, aunt or that nice older lady from your church. Ladies, I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your search for a compatible mate.
Don’t get discouraged as you search for a loving relationship and never stop loving yourself during your search. Believe it or not, there are still good people like you and I out there looking for one exclusive love. Know that you are now; and always have been; worthy of love. Remember, it is better to aim high and miss than to aim low and hit. Select, don’t settle. Sex is easy, love is hard. Let me hear about your success stories. Stay blessed, be safe and happy hunting! Happy New Year.
Some people have WAY tooo much time on their hands!!
ReplyDeleteThe only real way to find a good mate is to make sure that he or she believes in the words in the bible and has accepted Jesus as a personal savior.That being the case everything else should fall into place..... With some hard times to make you stronger,some heart ache to make make you closer, and hopefully lots of laughter and love and forgiveness, to hold you together for many years to come.
And.........some adds like this to keep Annette blogging!!!!!!!!!!